• serena.willis

A Rude Awakening

Updated: Apr 26

It's 4:00 a.m.


And I'm sitting in my tent somewhere in the Arizona desert.

I'm wrapped in a sleeping bag pulled over my head, wearing ear plugs (because my partner snores), and typing this on my cell phone, hoping to upload it to my computer later when I have service.

Seems like as good a time as any to start a blog right?

Would you believe it if I told you a year ago I had a steady job, a fiancé, a house, and a completely different life?

What could change so drastically in a year that would bring me to the circumstances I'm in now?

Heyoka Bitch!

This term of endearment (I promise) is one used frequently by myself and my significant other. It came about as I was reading an article on different types of Empaths.

Heyoka is a Native American term meaning "fool" or "sacred clown". These types of empaths are known for being unconventional. These are your people that are laughing at funerals or constantly triggering people... don't be confused with your regular run-of-the-mill asshole though, heyokas actually have this gift in the name of healing or change. They are able to mirror our own qualities back to us in a way that is funny, ironic, annoying, or downright bothersome, in the name of personal growth.

I use this word often to describe some kind of radical shift that I didn't see coming.

Which is exactly what happened a year ago.

In less than an hour the entire trajectory of my life changed.

Maybe it was the candles or the cozy atmosphere. Maybe it was the spirituality that colored the whole evening. Or maybe it was just a yearning on my part for something more.

I walked in the room feeling worn, but with my best friend by my side. A Chicago yoga loft. Decorated in funky couches and rustic lighting. We sipped rose tea and chatted idly as the hosts set the event behind a heavy, dark curtain. Little did I know fate was waiting on the other side.

We filed into the dimly glowing studio and sat on the floor across from one another. I was painfully aware of myself (as I often am in large groups or intimate settings). However, today was something different. Something more. Across to my right only a few people over was someone. Someone I had never met, but that instantly caught my attention. Also, the only man in the room. Candles softly lit his dark features and I knew I was not the only person intrigued by his presence here.

The hosts started talking about chakras and energy and I heard the words, but could not take myself off of my fixation. What was he doing here? Who is he? Does he notice me the way I'm noticing him? A battle began in my mind. I'm happily engaged. What am I doing? Is it okay to even be interested in someone else? In the almost five years of my relationship I have never felt the desire to stray. And it wasn't even a desire to stray, but just a desire to want to know and understand this strange man's mind and what brought him to this place.

As we began a short exercise I only received a few answers to my infinite number of questions. I spoke with him directly. In that moment, my world expanded as infinitely as my unanswered queries.


The possibility of a life with a spiritual partner. The ability to connect deeply with others on a regular basis. A lifestyle with travel and self exploration at the foreground.

All of these things in my fairytale dream congealed in one human who was sitting right in front of me proving it all existed.

It was all over. I saw the life I had (which was a happy one) was not the life my soul wanted for me. And like a child wafting a piece of bacon in front of his dog, my higher self showed me everything that could be for me. All I had to do was reach out and bite it...

No, no, this is not the part of the story where I maul the man in front of me, in a room full of people... You'll have to go to the "adult" bookstore for that... This is the Disney version where I go home and understand that I have a very important life decision to make.

Weirdly enough, I'm guessing you all know what decision that is considering I'm coming to you live from my tent right now...

However, I never made a move on the man, even after I broke up with my fiancé because I recognized the situation for what it was:

A radical life shift which changed the way I see myself, others, and overall the way I view life and this crazy adventure (filled with all the self-exploration one lunatic could ask for).

To that I say, "Thanks Higher Self."

To which she replies, "Heyoka Bitch."